SSS #245: Marriage Advice?


I deleted the Copilot Money App from my phone at the beginning of the month.

We installed it on Dia's phone instead. She's now responsible for tracking our monthly budget.

She is screaming at me every other day about how much money we spend and I can't help but laugh. šŸ˜‚ šŸ˜†

Like... where you been, girl? šŸ§


Livin' La Vida Luna y Luca

Madison Market

J. Chillin' @ the Madison Market. šŸ˜‹

Marriage Advice?

My friends are about to get married.

A few of us took them to a pre-wedding dinner and after we put our orders in they asked an innocent, but loaded, question:

Can everyone share some marriage advice?

I froze. My brain went blank. You could have asked me my name at that moment and I may not have been able to answer.

My "thinking fast" answer was contrarian: Not only CAN you go to bed mad at each other, you should. Not every heated argument needs to be solved by the predetermined deadline of bedtime. I'm a big believer in letting time and space do their job.

But the person who answered before me (I kid you not) said, "Never go to bed mad at each other".

I didn't want to come off as argumentative so I kept my original answer to myself.

Instead, I advised them that the honeymoon phase can last a long time if you let it. I may have my rose-colored glasses on, but I truly believe Dia and I were in our honeymoon phase from the day we got married in court (1/14/14) to the day we had Luna (4/16/20).

5.5 years of butterflies, adventure, fun, laughing, etc. You get what you prioritize.

...Then we became parents. šŸ˜…

Thinking Slow Answer

Now that I've had some time to stew on the question, I have a different answer.

Spend (less than) zero time trying to change your spouse. The fact that you're getting married means there's a strong baseline of compatibility and 99% of the filter process should be complete.

Instead, lean into your differences and see them as complementary instead of an opportunity to be adversarial.

For example: My trains run on time, while Dia doesn't even know what train she's on.

I spent YEARS harassing her about the importance of time management, paying attention to details, and being administratively tight.

Thankfully to no avail.

Now that we're parents with demanding schedules, I can see and appreciate the value of being more relaxed, enjoying the present, and not worrying too much about meeting other people's expectations of us.

We balance each other out.

It's the same with money. I'm more focused on securing our future, and she's more focused on enjoying today. Neither is right or wrong. They both have value. Instead of butting heads, we lean into our preferences and strike a balance to reach a desired outcome.

It's the same with the kids. My default parenting style stems from the idea that discipline = freedom. Dia's default parenting style is comfort and affection. the kids need both. They need to feel seen, safe, loved, and protected.

There's a saying... "if you can't change the people around you, change the people around you."

In this particular case, I'm not doing either.

We might have 10+ years under our belt, 2 kids, and a few screws loose, but we can still tap into our honeymoon phase here and there.